How to Help a Porn Addict (6 Minute Read)

If you’re searching online for how to help a porn addict, you’re probably worried about someone you love and care about. Discovering that one of your loved ones has a problematic relationship with pornography can open the floodgates for all kinds of emotions, fear, stress, and anxiety. It’s very easy to feel helpless.

Thankfully, there are some things that you can do, as a friend, to help a porn addict.

One of the first, and most important, steps you can take is to educate yourself. In this article, we’ll help you understand more about pornography addiction, its effects, as well as some actionable steps for how to help a porn addict. Although you may feel helpless, sometimes just being there is all a person struggling with porn addiction needs.

Understanding porn addiction

It is important to understand what porn addiction is and what it is not in order to effectively support a loved one who is struggling. Interestingly enough, porn addiction is not acknowledged by the APA (American Psychological Association) as a bona fide addiction in the same way that nicotine, alcohol, or hard drugs are. It is instead classified as a behavioral addiction, or compulsive behavior. This means that the brain forms an emotional reliance on pornography as a way to deal with triggers, negative emotions, tough experiences, or stress. On the surface, it’s largely the same as other kinds of addictions.

It’s important to recognize that porn addiction does not indicate a lack of willpower or some kind of moral failure. The brain reacts strongly to pornography, and everything about it is designed to be addictive. Many individuals have developed a strong emotional reliance on pornography before they even realize what it is. Many individuals have struggled with an emotional reliance on pornography before they even knew what sex was.

If you’re trying to learn how to help a porn addict, it is crucial that you understand that, in many cases, they’re just as intimidated or frustrated by their porn use as you are. They just happen to be reliant on it.

Signs and symptoms of porn addiction

Recognizing the signs and symptoms of porn addiction is the first step in helping a loved one overcome their addiction. Porn addiction is not simply a preference for adult material, or occasional use. It is a compulsive behavior that interferes with daily life and relationships. It can lead to negative consequences such as relationship problems, decreased self-esteem, and sexual dissatisfaction. Some common signs include:

1. Increased secrecy: A porn addict may go to great lengths to hide their behavior, such as clearing browser history or using private browsing modes.
2. Neglecting responsibilities: Addiction can lead to a neglect of important responsibilities, such as work, school, or personal relationships.
3. Withdrawal symptoms: When unable to access pornographic material, a person addicted to porn may experience withdrawal symptoms such as irritability, restlessness, or anxiety.
4. Escalating use: Over time, a porn addict may need more and more explicit material to achieve the same level of arousal.
5. Loss of interest in other activities: Engaging in pornographic material becomes the primary focus, leading to a loss of interest in previously enjoyed hobbies or activities.

If you notice these signs in a loved one, it is important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. If you’re wondering how to help a porn addict, but do not feel like they meet these qualifications, they are likely struggling with a porn habit instead of a full-fledged addiction. You can find more information on pornography habits here.

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How to approach and communicate with a loved one about their addiction

Approaching a loved one about their addiction can be intimidating, but it is an essential step in helping them overcome their struggles. One of the most helpful things you can do for a loved one with a porn addiction is simply to provide a safe and non-judgmental space for them to talk to you about how they’re feeling, and for them to feel that you will still care about them, regardless of their struggles. The conversation may be awkward or heavy, but open and honest communication is crucial in helping a loved one overcome their addiction.

When preparing for this conversation, consider the following:

1. Choose the right time and place: Find a calm and private setting where both of you can feel comfortable, focused, and safe.
2. Express concern: Start the conversation by expressing your concern for their well-being and the impact that pornography may be having on their life and relationships. It’s important to determine beforehand how you feel, so that you can communicate it effectively to them.
3. Avoid judgment: Approach the conversation without judgment or criticism. Make it clear that you are there to support them, not to shame them. Express your love for them, and listen to what they have to say.
4. Listen actively: Give your loved one an opportunity to share their feelings and experiences. Consider asking them why they view pornography, and if they feel ready to leave it behind. Listen attentively and without interruption when they answer.
5. Offer resources: There are many resources to help individuals struggling with porn addiction. We’ve linked a few of our favorites at the bottom of this article, and there are plenty more available online.

It’s impossible to recover from pornography addiction on your own. So, whether you are able to have a perfect first conversation about it with them or not, what matters most is that your friend or loved one knows that you want to support them and that they can come to you for love, distraction, or encouragement.

How to help a porn addict

Now that you understand porn addiction a little more than you did before, and have hopefully set a mental goal to have a conversation with your friend or loved one about it soon, we’ll move on to some things that you can actively do as a friend in order to help the porn addict in your life.

Maintain a Normal Friendship

It’s tempting to let your relationship become all about your loved one’s addiction when you’re trying to help them. But remember that they are also a multi-faceted person, with needs and desires, hobbies and talents outside of porn. Ensure that your loved one feels like they can be themselves around you, and engage in your normal hobbies together, regardless of how much you’ve talked about their addiction together. Resist the temptation to check in on their progress every time you see them—if they need to talk to you, they will.

Encourage Them in Their Recovery

It’s vital that your loved one reaches out for help from a qualified source in order to overcome a porn addiction. One of the things that’s most important when learning how to help a porn addict is encouraging them to pursue recovery. It can be scary, and many individuals prefer to suffer through their habits and addictions, instead of making the necessary changes. Educating yourself about porn, porn addiction, and porn addiction recovery will help you to be there for your friend through the ups and downs that their recovery journey will undoubtedly bring.

Attend Meetings With Them if Needed

If your friend or loved one is afraid to attend in-person or online recovery meetings, offer to go with them. This can be a helpful educational experience for you, as well as moral support for your loved one.

Keep Yourself a Friend—Not a Therapist

This one is incredibly important. Since you’re seeking to understand how to help a porn addict, you undoubtably have good intentions, and are likely involved in the life of the person with the addiction. But no matter the relationship you have, you shouldn’t be the only one they tell about their struggles with porn addiction.  

Online support groups or qualified therapists have a wealth of information and training at their fingertips, and will be able to help your loved one far better than you will. While it’s pretty normal to feel uncomfortable telling someone to go to therapy, your friend will be able to have a much smoother recovery if they arm themselves with the right tools. Support groups, counselors, accountability partners and therapists can help them access these tools.

You can start by letting your loved one know that going to therapy is totally normal and a positive step in their recovery. Getting help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength, and their commitment to healing. While providing support as a loved one is important, it is equally crucial to encourage professional help and therapy. Addiction is a complex issue that often requires specialized treatment.

Don’t See Them Any Differently

Perhaps the biggest thing you can do to help a porn addict is to see them as themselves—the same friend or loved one you have always had a relationship with, regardless of their addiction. As you encourage them to pursue healing and recovery, remember to maintain your friendship with them, and don’t allow your relationship to become fixated on their addiction.

Make sure that your friendship still includes the fun things you enjoy doing with this person—whether that’s playing boardgames, pickleball, going for nature walks or simply talking on the phone. Remember that they are just a normal person whose struggles are simply different than yours.

Setting positive boundaries

Setting boundaries is essential when supporting a loved one through their addiction recovery journey, helping your friendship with them to stay normal and natural. Boundaries help create a safe and healthy environment for both parties involved, facilitating healing and emotional safety for both you and your loved one.

Defining Your LimitsIt is essential to start by defining your limits. Take the time to identify what you are comfortable with and establish clear boundaries regarding behavior, communication, and expectations. This self-reflection allows you to understand your needs and communicate them effectively.

Communicating Your BoundariesOnce you have defined your boundaries, it's important to clearly communicate them to your loved one. Emphasize that these boundaries are not meant to punish or control, but rather to promote a healthy recovery process. Open and honest communication can lay the foundation for mutual understanding and respect.

Examples of Effective Boundaries

Boundaries are not a way to punish or push out your friend or loved one, or a way for them to control you. Here are some examples of what effective, positive boundaries might sound like:

• “It makes me feel anxious when you call me in the middle of the night and ask for help resisting an urge to watch porn. I need you to call your accountability partner instead, since they will know what to do much better than I will. However, if you’re successful, I’d love to celebrate that with you in the morning.”
• “Since I want our relationship not to center around your addiction, let’s reserve conversations about it for Tuesday nights. Any other time I’ll just trust that you’re handling things with your accountability partner and support group, and then on Tuesday I’ll ask you any questions I might have.”
• “I’m feeling really stressed out about your porn addiction. Is there a time we could have a conversation about it, and then go out and do something normal and fun to let off steam?”

Establishing and maintaining healthy, positive boundaries will enable you to better help your addicted loved one, and still have time and mental energy for the other things you’re required to do.

Some resources available to you

There are educational resources available all over the internet, from official recovery programs and masterclasses about quitting pornography, to subreddits and Facebook groups for friends and loved ones affected by a porn addict.

Here at Relay, we’ve created a unique support-group-style recovery program, and it has become the #1 group-based pornography recovery experience. Your friend can input their own recovery goals, and will be matched with 5 to 8 others working towards the same goals. They will then work together with this support group like a team.

Moving forward

If you’ve been searching online for how to help a porn addict, hopefully you’ve been able to garner some real advice from this article. As you move forward, remember that there is hope and healing available to all who struggle with porn addiction, as well as everyone affected by their actions. As you strive to educate yourself about pornography addiction, be there for your friend or loved one, and set positive boundaries, you will truly be able to be a helpful force in the life of the porn addict you care about.

Resources:

• Sara Brewer’s podcast, Overcome Pornography for Good
• Article: My Wife Watches Porn, What Should I Do?
• Article: Why Does My Husband Watch Porn?
• Article: Porn in Marriage

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