What to Do When your Significant Other Has a Porn Addiction

Trying to learn what to do when your significant other has a porn addiction can be incredibly stressful territory. Although there are so many messages online about what to do in this situation, it’s easy to feel scared and absolutely powerless.

The bad news is that you will probably experience feelings of hurt, frustration, insecurity, or even a little bit of betrayal. But the good news is that pornography addiction, even though it’s scary, does not need to spell the end of a cherished relationship. Will the road ahead be tough, requiring both you and your partner to stretch and grow in ways that won’t always be comfortable? Yes. But through the journey of recovery, by educating yourself, facilitating open and honest conversations, and relying on qualified resources, your relationship can come through stronger than ever.

Supporting a significant other with a porn addiction is no easy task, but that doesn’t make it impossible or unrewarding. As always, be mindful about prioritizing your own safety. In this article, we’ll educate you a little more about porn addiction, give you some tips for how to approach your significant other about the issue, discuss boundaries that will help the two of you work together better, and arm you with some things you can do to support your loved one.

If you’re worried about what to do when your significant other has a porn addiction, you’ve come to the right place.

What to do when your significant other has a porn addiction: educate, communicate, and support

Educating yourself

Although porn addiction is fairly common, there is a large lack of education surrounding the issue. One of the most valuable things you can do to support a partner with a porn problem is to educate yourself about what they’re going through. Addiction is less of a question of them wanting to fantasize about people more attractive than you, and more a matter of unhealthy coping methods that their brain has become dependent on.

This can be really distressing for your partner, as well as for you. In order to better understand what to do when your significant other has a porn addiction, you’ll need to understand porn addiction a little better.

Although pornography addiction is not included in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or acknowledged as a distinct addiction by the American Psychological Association, it can still result in compulsive behavior, tolerance development, withdrawal symptoms, and adverse consequences similar to traditional substance or behavioral addictions.

Some of the signs to be aware of are listed below.

Signs of an Addiction to Pornography

1. Obsessive Thoughts About Pornography
2. Constantly thinking about pornography, whether through sexual fantasies, strong urges to view it, or trying to plan out the next time they will view it.
3. Lack of Control Over Pornography Use
4. Inability to quit despite previous attempts, with a feeling of being consumed by the urge to view pornography, leading to a sense of being controlled by the behavior.
5. Stress and Irritability When Unable to Access Pornography (Withdrawal)
6. Feeling stressed or irritable when unable to access pornography, which may indicate an emotional dependence on it to alleviate stress and frustration. Headaches, anxiety, and irritability are other potential symptoms of withdrawal.
7. Excessive Time Spent Viewing Pornography
8. Spending prolonged periods viewing pornography, resulting in disruptions to regular sleep schedules or lateness for commitments due to extended viewing sessions.
9. Neglect of Responsibilities and Obligations Due to Pornography Use
10. Failing to attend to responsibilities such as schoolwork, household chores, or work commitments due to prioritizing pornography consumption.
11. Disregard for Risks Associated with Viewing Pornography
12. Viewing pornography in inappropriate or unsafe settings, such as at work, in public, or around children, despite the potential negative repercussions.
13. Continued Viewing of Pornography Despite Negative Consequences
14. Persisting in watching pornography despite negative consequences like financial strain, trouble at work or in a relationship.
15. Increased Tolerance to Pornography, Requiring More Extreme Material for Arousal
16. Needing increasingly extreme or graphic pornography to achieve the same level of arousal, indicating a growing tolerance to standard content.
17. Strained Relationships Due to Pornography Use
18. Experiencing difficulties in relationships, including issues of trust and challenges in establishing and maintaining healthy, secure relationships due to pornography consumption.
19. Decreased Interest in Real Sex or Difficulty in Sexual Engagement

• Experiencing a reduced interest in engaging in real sexual activities or encountering difficulties in achieving climax during partnered sex due to pornography consumption.

Remember that, in an addiction setting, these signs and symptoms are generally distressing for your significant other, as well as for you. If you’re wondering what to do when your significant other has a porn addiction, familiarizing yourself with these signs—and understanding the stress they can cause—is a great place to start.

If you feel that your loved one’s struggle with porn is significant, but not quite to this degree, they may be suffering from a pornography habit instead of an addiction. You can learn more about pornography habits here.

How to communicate with your significant other about porn addiction

When addressing the issue of porn addiction with your significant other, it is crucial to approach the conversation in a healthy and non-confrontational manner. Choose a time and a place where both of you feel safe and are able to be calm and emotionally available. It’s important that you take time beforehand to figure out how you’re feeling about the situation, so that you can clearly communicate that to your partner. Consider using “I statements” to help the conversation go smoother. For example:

• Instead of saying”I hate that you watch porn. It’s disgusting! You make me so mad!”
• Try saying”I believe that porn is powerfully negative, and I feel anxious when you watch it or talk about it. I feel insecure, because I feel like I won’t measure up to the photoshopped actors that porn offers.”

Don’t be shocked if your significant other reacts defensively, as addiction can be a sensitive topic. Continue to offer your support and emphasize that you are there to help them through this difficult time.

Communicating effectively about boundaries and expectations

Open and honest communication is key when it comes to navigating the challenges of a relationship affected by porn addiction. Be clear as you set boundaries and expectations together with your significant other. Remember that boundaries are not for either of you to control the behavior of the other, but to ensure that you both are able to have maximal emotional safety along the recovery journey.

This may include discussing limits on pornography use, encouraging your significant other to get involved with a recovery program or support group, establishing guidelines for internet and device usage, and mutually agreeing on what is considered appropriate behavior within the relationship. Have regular check-ins to make sure these boundaries are being respected and growing with the two of you.

Boundaries and Setbacks

When relapses and setbacks come—which they will—have the courage to listen with patience, and be there for your partner. This can feel difficult to do while standing up for yourself and your feelings, but with healthy and positive boundaries, you and your partner will hopefully be on the same page about what to do when setbacks arise before they even happen.

Seeking professional help for porn addiction

Porn addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional help. Encourage your significant other to seek therapy or counseling from a qualified addiction specialist. A trained professional can provide the necessary guidance, support, and tools to help your loved one overcome their addiction. If possible, therapy can also be beneficial for you as the partner, as it offers a safe space to process your own emotions and gain insights into healthy coping mechanisms.

We here at Relay have created a unique app that has become the #1 group-based recovery program. Combining the benefits of a support group with uplifting daily accountability, Relay empowers users to take charge of their own recovery, and stay accountable in their goals within a group of others who understand exactly what they’re going through, and can offer help and support.

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Supporting your significant other through recovery

Supporting your significant other through their recovery journey is crucial for their success. Educate yourself about addiction, communicate effectively and openly with them, and celebrate their victories, no matter how small they may seem. Remember, addiction recovery is a process, and your unwavering support can make a significant difference in their journey.

It’s important to remember not to try and be both a significant other and a therapist throughout this process. You may set yourself up for failure by keeping your significant other’s porn addiction a secret between just the two of you. Recovery programs, therapists, and online support groups will have information, training, and resources that will be able to help your significant other much more than you will be able to. Although your intentions are probably good, trying to be both a loving partner and a therapist can add unnecessary stress and strain on the relationship. This can be avoided by utilizing the proper recovery avenues, instead of trying to do it all on your own.

Prioritizing you

Taking care of yourself is essential when supporting a loved one battling porn addiction. Allow yourself to engage in healthy self-care activities that will help you let off steam, connect with friends and loved ones, and find joy. Establish healthy boundaries to protect your own mental health and set aside time for your own interests and hobbies. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup, so prioritize your own well-being. Therapy can be helpful to equip you with tools and coping strategies.

If it becomes clear that your significant other’s porn addiction has become extreme and is placing you in an unsafe situation, you have no obligation to stay there. Be aware of your feelings and do what they tell you. In an ideal world, porn addiction would be no big deal for you and your significant other, but the ideal is not always the case. Move forward with kindness, patience, and empathy, but do not endanger yourself.

Rebuilding trust and intimacy in the relationship

Porn addiction can severely damage trust and intimacy within a relationship, but that damage does not have to last forever. Rebuilding these aspects requires time, effort, and a commitment from both partners. Trust is not easily regained, but with open and honest communication, consistent actions, and a willingness to forgive, it is possible to rebuild what may have been damaged.

Take the time to do things with your significant other than have nothing to do with their porn addiction. Go on dates, spend time talking about each other’s feelings, and prioritize just having fun together. If you’re trying to understand what to do when your significant other has a porn addiction, remember that there is more to them than just their addiction, and provide chances for the both of you to see that!

Conclusion

Learning what to do when your significant other has a porn addiction can be intimidating, and even discouraging. But remember that you are not powerless! You can provide essential support for your partner, encourage them in their recovery, and arm them with resources that will empower their recovery far more than you two could on your own. As you approach the issue with an open heart and a little bit of education, you can be the one to make all the difference for your partner as they struggle with this challenging addiction. Porn addiction is scary, but it isn’t a death sentence for your relationship with the person you love.

By communicating openly, setting healthy and positive boundaries, and remembering to care for yourself, you can re-build a relationship that is even stronger than the one you had before.

Additional Resources for Couples Affected by Pornography:

• Article: My Boyfriend Watches Porn - What Should I Do?
• Reddit Community Support Group for Partners: Love After Porn
• Article: Porn in Marriage: Causes, Effects, How to Overcome
• Podcast: From Crisis to Connection by Geoff Steurer, LMFT, and his wife Jody

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